I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
