Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
