Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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