this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
