I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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