the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
