I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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