youre lurking in front of me
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
