I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
