I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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