Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
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Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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