you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
