you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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