Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
