Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
