i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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