Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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