im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
