My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.