What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible