We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.