Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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