I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I party with great urgency now.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
