I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sorry about my life...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
