My friends, they love my intelligence
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
