Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
