Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
