Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I faked an abortion last night.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
