Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
