He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
