getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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