remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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