Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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