I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
