We won't sleep together?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize