just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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