I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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