I wish they made helmets for livers.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
