its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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