Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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