Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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