his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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