please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
