i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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