Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
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We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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