I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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