He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize