I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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