I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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