hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
