last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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