I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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