I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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