Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
