Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
