it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
