I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night