So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.