something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.