You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
