I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
