I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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