once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
