She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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