You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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