You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
