Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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