Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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